Confused

Confusion.

Not my favorite state of mind.
What confuses me most right now is our conversations.

What am I supposed to take from them? What do your stories mean? What do I do with this information?

I've been going over the pictures in my head over and over and over again. Like they do in the cop shows on tv when they play sections of security camera tape, looking for something that might have been missed the 1st or 2nd or even the 3rd time it was played. But it's getting me no where. I don't see anything new.

The last few converstaions particularly have left me confused and wondering if these are like rest where they come true when I least expect it.

I'm not sure if I like that then.

Help please.

Can you help me please?

I love our conversations,
their more of a one way phone call, and I'm only able to listen, and respond with snail mail letters. But I still love them. I only wish They were more clear.
I don't know if they aren't because I'm not supposed to understand yet,
or if it's because I'm not really listening.

I'm hoping it's because I'm not supposed to understand just yet.

Back to the part where I need help.
Do you think maybe we could try a different format for our lovely conversations?

Our conversations haven't been about school lately, and I'm not sure what to think about that.

Does that mean I'm going in the right direction?
What if I don't get in? Then what? Then where? I know that's at least six months away.

I guess that makes two points that I need help with.

Questions.

So many Questions running through my head.
Not enought space to cram one more in and yet I manage to do just that X 10.
Questions about School.
Questions about the Future.
Questions about the Present.
Questions like "How?" "What?" "Why?".
And one more ... "When will this all become clear enough to know the answer?"

I have this feeling that it's all right before me, or at least the answers to the questions that need to be answered right now, even if they aren't the one's I want answered.

I hope it's not all right in front of me. If it is I will feel real dumb for being so blind, and disappointed that this is all there is. I don't believe this is all there is. I have a Lot more ahead of me, and some of it is a bit scary right now.

So as I feel I have said before, One day at a time. The answers will come when they are needed and least expected.

Believing

Am wondering how to keep going,

The journey has been so long, so far eight years,

And I'm not through yet,

Still more to come,

How much longer?

I know, at least two point five.

So my goal is to make it that far.

I will need help that's for sure,

And encouragement, and faith, and trust,

And to know that someone believes I can succeed,

Even when I want to give up.

I'm believe, or at least trying,

Sometimes that's all I can do, is try to believe,

That You are here, encouraging, having faith, trusting, and believing in me.

I sometime forget that You are always here,

Wanting to hold me, and help me,

And try to do it on my own,

Sometimes I feel like I might be close to getting it right,

But then I mess up.

That's why I wear "Imperfect" on my finger,

As a reminder that I'm (not) perfect,

That You are,

And that I can stretch out my hand and You will take hold of it and not let go.

So I'm here believing You are here,

Wanting and almost feeling a hug of encouragement,

And resting in Your arms.

My Abba

AHHHHHHH!!!

Stress is not my friend,

when I am stressed I fall apart,

into a big mushy mess on the floor,

soaked in tears and hugging my blanket around me.

My blanket,

has soaked up many many tears,

it acts as a sheild, and a vanishing cloak,

it hasn't failed me.

It hasn't failed me,

like my Lord, and Abba Father will never fail me.

There is a difference though,

eventually my blanket will be ridden with holes,

and no longer able to protect, and comfort.

But My Abba Father,

has always, is, and will always be here.

My Abba Father is like my blanket,

warm and comforting, and always willing to listen.

He wraps me in his arms and keeps me warm,

he holds me against His chest and allows my tears to fall.

And unlike my blanket,

He always knows when it's time for me to stop,

and be the Strong, Beautiful Woman He has created me to be.

You

When you talk to me, even just a few words, it takes me by surprise

and takes my breath away,

My knots have slowly but surely subsided, they are tempted to come back,

but for now are safely out of reach

I want to know more of you, I know a little, but I want More.

that is hard, because I become shy and hide

or loud and stupid, or just, not Me.

I don't want that to be me anymore, I want the real me to shine.

It's Exhausting

Trying to be independent

But you won't let me

Everytime I let go and am ready to jump, you grab on tight

I haven't found the balance yet

I've felt like I've been close, but then it slips, and I feel like falling.

It's exhausting

I know it can be done

People everywhere have found it

So with Time, Pateince, Prayer, and Love

We shall find it too.