Question

I was posed this question today:

"How do you trust God with everything?" Especially when everything is going great, no hard times pushing you towards Him

I want to say by letting go of everything and letting Him have it,
But I've often asked myself (specially when I'm having trouble trusting) ):

How do you let go?

It's not as easy as if you were holding a ball and told your hand to release it, or is it?

The things that I normally have trouble trusting Him with aren't tangible things, but rather situations, or outcomes or decisions that need to be made.

These are more like thoughts, and thoughts are really hard to "let go" of, this is were the Enemy knows he can get to you (me), and twist things so many ways you don't know what you started with any more.

Knowing this puts me on guard of my thoughts. Watching myself when I feel confused, and muddled.

But seriously how do you let go and draw near to Him and Love Him and want Him when everything is going so easy?

I suppose if nothing else the struggle turns into a lesson that can be shared with others.

Confused

Confusion.

Not my favorite state of mind.
What confuses me most right now is our conversations.

What am I supposed to take from them? What do your stories mean? What do I do with this information?

I've been going over the pictures in my head over and over and over again. Like they do in the cop shows on tv when they play sections of security camera tape, looking for something that might have been missed the 1st or 2nd or even the 3rd time it was played. But it's getting me no where. I don't see anything new.

The last few converstaions particularly have left me confused and wondering if these are like rest where they come true when I least expect it.

I'm not sure if I like that then.

Help please.

Can you help me please?

I love our conversations,
their more of a one way phone call, and I'm only able to listen, and respond with snail mail letters. But I still love them. I only wish They were more clear.
I don't know if they aren't because I'm not supposed to understand yet,
or if it's because I'm not really listening.

I'm hoping it's because I'm not supposed to understand just yet.

Back to the part where I need help.
Do you think maybe we could try a different format for our lovely conversations?

Our conversations haven't been about school lately, and I'm not sure what to think about that.

Does that mean I'm going in the right direction?
What if I don't get in? Then what? Then where? I know that's at least six months away.

I guess that makes two points that I need help with.

Questions.

So many Questions running through my head.
Not enought space to cram one more in and yet I manage to do just that X 10.
Questions about School.
Questions about the Future.
Questions about the Present.
Questions like "How?" "What?" "Why?".
And one more ... "When will this all become clear enough to know the answer?"

I have this feeling that it's all right before me, or at least the answers to the questions that need to be answered right now, even if they aren't the one's I want answered.

I hope it's not all right in front of me. If it is I will feel real dumb for being so blind, and disappointed that this is all there is. I don't believe this is all there is. I have a Lot more ahead of me, and some of it is a bit scary right now.

So as I feel I have said before, One day at a time. The answers will come when they are needed and least expected.

Believing

Am wondering how to keep going,

The journey has been so long, so far eight years,

And I'm not through yet,

Still more to come,

How much longer?

I know, at least two point five.

So my goal is to make it that far.

I will need help that's for sure,

And encouragement, and faith, and trust,

And to know that someone believes I can succeed,

Even when I want to give up.

I'm believe, or at least trying,

Sometimes that's all I can do, is try to believe,

That You are here, encouraging, having faith, trusting, and believing in me.

I sometime forget that You are always here,

Wanting to hold me, and help me,

And try to do it on my own,

Sometimes I feel like I might be close to getting it right,

But then I mess up.

That's why I wear "Imperfect" on my finger,

As a reminder that I'm (not) perfect,

That You are,

And that I can stretch out my hand and You will take hold of it and not let go.

So I'm here believing You are here,

Wanting and almost feeling a hug of encouragement,

And resting in Your arms.

My Abba

AHHHHHHH!!!

Stress is not my friend,

when I am stressed I fall apart,

into a big mushy mess on the floor,

soaked in tears and hugging my blanket around me.

My blanket,

has soaked up many many tears,

it acts as a sheild, and a vanishing cloak,

it hasn't failed me.

It hasn't failed me,

like my Lord, and Abba Father will never fail me.

There is a difference though,

eventually my blanket will be ridden with holes,

and no longer able to protect, and comfort.

But My Abba Father,

has always, is, and will always be here.

My Abba Father is like my blanket,

warm and comforting, and always willing to listen.

He wraps me in his arms and keeps me warm,

he holds me against His chest and allows my tears to fall.

And unlike my blanket,

He always knows when it's time for me to stop,

and be the Strong, Beautiful Woman He has created me to be.

You

When you talk to me, even just a few words, it takes me by surprise

and takes my breath away,

My knots have slowly but surely subsided, they are tempted to come back,

but for now are safely out of reach

I want to know more of you, I know a little, but I want More.

that is hard, because I become shy and hide

or loud and stupid, or just, not Me.

I don't want that to be me anymore, I want the real me to shine.

It's Exhausting

Trying to be independent

But you won't let me

Everytime I let go and am ready to jump, you grab on tight

I haven't found the balance yet

I've felt like I've been close, but then it slips, and I feel like falling.

It's exhausting

I know it can be done

People everywhere have found it

So with Time, Pateince, Prayer, and Love

We shall find it too.

Monotone

you keep talking,

without changing your tone.

it's not high, or mean, or intense,

it's average, but it stays that way,

there's no excitement, or disappointment, there's almost no feeling at all.

that's only when you teach.

it's only the first day,

Lord give me strength, and patience, and understanding.

AH Yuck

Better Day

Feeling low is not much fun.

I should know, I've felt low many times.

Last night was the first in awhile, though.

It didn't last for long, once I gave it up to Him.

And today was a much better day.

Because of my heavenly Daddy.

He made my day special.

With a song in my heart waking up, play time at work, cookie baking, and best of all

The return of a best friend, and brother!

One small word

hmmm ...

saying it has never been easy

and when it has been said the recipient is not who they were thought to be

so it is gone about with caution and very seldom is it actually said

either to avoid ... awkwardness ... or pain.

There is one that it can be said to without hesitancy

and He is glad!

so I shall procede with caution on all fronts but one.

and that one shall grow to be bigger and better then just the small word that is avoided

Excellent!

mMmm Soup!

umm more soup?!

+

"Where is it? ... oh wait we're here!"

+

Oh, diamonds! soooo much to know about a little stone.

+

mMmm chocolate!

+

Fake mannequins! HAHAHA!!

+

Milkshake!

+

Giddy/Hyper/Excited/Screaming Happiness

=

Excellent

Mexico

Here it is now nearly three weeks since the return. And it is still bitter~sweet.

I could feel and see, my Abba almost everywhere, and everyday there.

We touched so many lives, and in return they touched us. They probably don't even know that they did. But I know they did, because they touched me.

All the children were so happy. The thing I will remember about my time in Mexico is our first village trip.

It was the second day. We were playing red light green light.

Shortly after that game, it started to rain. We all ran inside. But once there I thought that we were being silly, it's just rain. So I went right back out and started to spin. I Love rain!

It didn't take long before my friend Katy came out, and started spinning too. And in turn 7 or 8 little girls followed.

We spun, and spun, it seemed like forever. Until finally I was very dizzy. Then we ran inside and collapsed on the floor. The girls surrounded me.

They instantly Loved me, and I them.

I miss their, never ending energy, and joy.

And Love.

Busy Bee

Busy as a Bee.

Bzzzzz ... flying back and forth between work, home, church, school, and eveything in between. Produces a honey, though different from a bees', is still sweet, and sticky.

Sweet, because of the people on the path.

Sticky, because it's hard to get away from.

Sweet and Sticky is good, but could my Honey please become thick so it forces me to slow down and smell the flowers flying past?

Loved

It's not always easy to feel.

I feel it most in little things, a baby's smile, a toddler's hug, a beautiful day. A kind smile from a stranger, an encouraging word from a friend, in the clouds, in music.

Your Love is so amazing. I can't get enough!

With out it, I feel lost and cold and lonely.

I want more, and more, and more, and more.

Knowing that you want to give me more, gives me chills.

Imperfect

That is what I am.